They say grief has five stages, and they typically come one after the other: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But I seem be stuck somewhere between denial and anger.
It’s been more than nine months since Munchkin left us. I still wake up in the middle of almost every night, horrified and disoriented, usually whispering to myself “must’ve had a bad dream”. And then for some reason, I find myself repeating this verse from Sohrab Sepehri:
“تمام راه به یک چیز فکر میکردم”
Then it hits me, hard, like a hurricane that hits a small coastal town. My mind starts its wild roller coaster, reviewing every moment of my life that was spent with Munchkin, my face and my eyes alternating between smiling and crying. By the the time I get to the last couple of months of his life, there are no more smiles left in me. The thought of my boy getting cancer and losing his eye sight devastates me all over again.
I remember how I used to have this nightmare about Munchkin since over a year earlier. He had already lost one eye for reasons that were baffling to his doctors as well, and the thought of him losing his other eye was haunting me day and night. I remember I would wake up in the middle of night, only to go hide in my office room and cry all the way till morning.There were even some instances in which, during the day, I suddenly burst into tears in front of other people, feeing both devastated and embarrassed at the same time.
All those days are gone. Munchkin is gone too. But the images I have in my mind from his last days break my heart every night all over again. Sometimes I find myself talking to Tiny:
“Tiny, I miss your brother so much. It wasn’t his time. It wasn’t fair.”
i can read in his eyes that he is not feeling much better than I do. I want to continue talking to him, maybe trying to comfort him a bit. But each time I find myself crying out of control, holding him tight and whispering in his ear that I love him, so much.
It’s now Tiny’s turn to try to comfort me, licking my tears, and sometimes looking at me straight in the eyes. I want to come out of this state of pure sadness and pain. I want to appreciate and enjoy the warmth of his hug, the kindness of his kisses licking my face. But when I see the deep sadness in his eyes, I know that this may never be over.
This is, and may very well be, the story of my life for as long as I am. And I doubt that anyone will ever understand.
Leave a Reply